Over the past month, I have been gently reminded that all things do certainly happen for a reason. Life carries moments of intense pain, pain that cripples the soul, followed by long periods of shock, just attempting to actually process the pain. Doldrums set in, broken by moments of joy, moments where just for a moment, a catch of sunshine breaks through the clouds.
Yet, life continues, traversing onwards.
Since the beginning of this year, I have had serene moments of joy that have broken through the clouds. I have been blessed in incredible ways, both big and small, but perhaps one of the greatest blessings was meeting a gay couple and visiting their house near Chicago a few weeks back. Through a friend, I got to know this couple, eventually going to their home for dinner (and one of the best I have had in months!). Meeting two loving, affirming, gay men, average men, was a tremendous blessing. Seeing how beautifully the two have walked through trails and tribulations together brought me so much hope. Here were two men that have both grown up with strong Christian beliefs, traditions that condemned their feelings, repressed their hearts, and tore them down emotionally. Here were two loving people committed to each other, no interested in only sex, pleasure, or in finding the next fling. These were two average people, ones that had found resolution between their faith and their sexuality. They reminded me of God's tremendous provisions in each of our lives, and gave a human face to my hope that one can find peace between their faith and who they feel they are in their heart.
My journey over the past six months can be described perfectly by the analogy of a house. This summer, in August, I finally took that first hardest step. After years of fear, suffocating pain, and despair, I finally opened the door of my closet. Yet walking out of the closet I walked right into a house, a home of Wheaton and greater evangelicalism. The house was a safe place, yet here too the air became stifling. Through the windows of my house, I saw a world that was affirming to the gay Christian, but through the opaque windows of my house I saw only evil outside. Over the Christmas season, I came to realize that the windows of the house were greatly munipulating what I was seeing outside. Through the opaque glass, I was still seeing what the house of greater evangelical church and Wheaton wanted me to see, a world of decadence, promiscuity, and sinful extravagance. This year, 2012, I have began to take the next step, and open that front door and step outside beyond my house. This house, that closet, it has been all I have ever known. The world certainly is frightening, but I will never ever know what the world offers until I step outside. I am sick of seeing the gay community only through the tainted windows of my house, and I am ready to walk beyond, to open that front door, and truly trust Christ to lead me beyond the fortress that I have built.
I know Wheaton is but a moment. I know that college is but a fleeting part of life. The greatest encouragement to me is that Wheaton is really not all of life. This Wheaton house that I am stuck into isn't life forever. Let me reinforce this for anyone stuck into a situation, trapped in a cage, their closet, or a community of fear. Whatever your circumstances, they will not be this way forever. Life certainly does get better, and better in a way beyond what we could ever imagine. God's creation and plan is far beyond what we could ever foresee ourselves. My journey of coming out has brought new friends, experiences, and challenges to me that I could never have imagined. I have so many moments, so many times when the voices in my head tell me I am wrong, I am choosing the wrong path of life. Yet it is in these moments that I remind myself of this great truth. So what if I am wrong? If in the end of the day I am wrong about affirming my sexuality, who I am, do I automatically see myself damned? The God that I worship is not that kind of a God. I have realized in this last month, that even if I am wrong, these past six months would never be traded for anything. I have learned so much about a minority group within the church, I have been challenged about how I love others, I have been encouraged through hearing the stories of so many people broken, then redeemed as they found Christ through their struggles through sexuality. No, my God is a awesome God. He loves me no matter where my journey takes me. The road will be long, and is certainly hard. I will fall, but I will fall so that I can pick myself up. Indeed, this life I live, the life we each live, is not about the end goal, the final prize. Until I really open that door to the world beyond my Wheaton upbringing, I will never know what lies beyond, I will never be willing to step out of the safety of my fortress and really follow God down this journey. To me, this challenge is the beautiful part of life. It is here that life become more then just the end goal, but a journey, one that is our ultimate destination.
<3
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