The Bible and Homosexuality

I have often refrained from getting too heavily into this frequent dialogue. Mostly my reasoning is that this blog be a place for personal reflection, and not an advocacy site where heated dialogues ensue. Wheaton students are often quick to turn the "homosexuality question" into a theological debate, instead of listening and hearing the stories of their gay, lesbian, bisexual, queer, and transgendered peers.

This video of Matthew Vines, a Christian gay college student from Kansas, greatly addresses both the theological and personal side of sexuality and faith. Enjoy this video, take some time to really listen, and notice the passion and deep commitment with which Matthew argues. Matthew so eloquently highlights the importance of seeing queer individuals as people, and not just a theological debate. After all, as my friend Lora states, "my life is not an issue, and it isn't anyone's issue." Enjoy the video, and please share it along!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ezQjNJUSraY&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Life is Good

What can I say? The sun is shinning, it's 78 degrees in Wheaton, it's Friday, and I'm done with classes for the week. Life truly is good.

I've been blessed, so blessed. Just walking around campus right now, seeing so many people I would call at least acquaintances, if not friends, interacting with so many.

Last year I felt so alone, so confused. I was tormented between faith and spirituality, trying desperately to be in control, to break free of my "sin," to find a home at Wheaton after transferring, and to be at peace in my heart.

I just couldn't do it while still hating myself and trying to change what I was.

God works in powerful and mysterious ways. Last evening I went up to Andersonville to meet those from Soulforce (seen here http://www.soulforce.org/ ), a organization promoting equal treatment for LGBTQ students of religious based institutions. Their Equality Ride was stopping in the Wheaton area. Getting to meet them, hear their passion for equality, and then also hang out with old and new friends from OneWheaton was such a blessing. To be with people that understood me, respected me, and loved me for who I was, not matter what, that was the greatest blessing. Of course I wished the night would have never ended.

Even today, getting to see SoulForce and OneWheaton on campus here (even though the Wheaton administration has kept them rigidly controlled), I am encouraged.

Life truly does get better, just look at me a year ago. God truly is in control and He has beautiful plans beyond what we can image. I know He is taking these years at Wheaton to form me into the man He always wanted me to be. Being part of a historic moment at Wheaton, being on the front lines, and seeing the amazing small steps the college is taking is all so encouraging. Life truly is good, and I cannot wait to see what the future holds. As our speaker in chapel Amena Brown ( http://amenabrown.com/ ), shared in Chapel this morning, God desires us to come to Him and trust Him with our futures, with the unknown. It is in that tension and uncertainty that we truly find God. This summer I placed my bets and went all in, and I haven't looked back since. I am all in for God as myself, a gay man who loves Jesus and the man God made Him to be. It will be a long hard road, but that is what makes life great. After all, life certainly is a journey! :)

Much to Say

Dear Friends,

Thank you for your patience with this blog. I apologize for not adding thoughts recently, as I pride myself in continuing the dialogue and inviting you into my thoughts. Life has been tremendously busy recently, so thank you for your patience. With spring break wrapped up, and the legacy of "#ChapelTweets" still fresh, I hope to write you more of my thoughts of recent going-ons of Wheaton. I am excited for the news of Soulforce coming to campus tomorrow as well! Please do keep Wheaton in your thoughts and prayers, so many hard things have happened there this past semester, and I think God is really opening doors and hearts at Wheaton for something amazing. Only out of the black dirt can God bring beautiful colorful flowers. Thanks again and I hope you can get outside tomorrow, my weather report says 80 degrees!

GO SPRING! :)

Peace,

Thinker

The Truth Shall Set You Free

Why is it that all we hear from our pulpits, our schools, families, friends, peers, pastors, mission organizations, and others is the simple message: "you are not doing enough, you are broken, you are weak, God will never love you" ?

The greatest lie I believed for 10 years was not that being gay was a sin. The lie I believed, the lie I followed, the lie I worshiped, the lie I hated, was the voice that kept telling me "no matter what you do, God will never love you."

There is Truth, Truth found only in the love and grace in Christ. As Nouwen puts it, "Proclaim the truth, that we are the beloved sons and daughters of God."

That my friends is the Truth Christ came to die for, the Truth that carried Christ to that cross, the Truth that sets me free day in and day out.

The Truth is not evangelicalism, the Truth is not Wheaton, the Truth is not family, friends, relationships, hobbies; the Truth is not in "good works", in "living morally," in celibacy, ex-gay, straight, or being gay.

The Truth is in Christ. The Truth is that We are beloved. We are the beloved children of God and nothing can set us apart from this love. God speaks, in the gentlest whispers and greatest tempests, reminding us of that only Truth "I love you, you are my beloved." We only a a few short decades to proclaim with our lives that beautiful truth, "God, I love you too."

The Journey is the Destination

Over the past month, I have been gently reminded that all things do certainly happen for a reason. Life carries moments of intense pain, pain that cripples the soul, followed by long periods of shock, just attempting to actually process the pain. Doldrums set in, broken by moments of joy, moments where just for a moment, a catch of sunshine breaks through the clouds.
Yet, life continues, traversing onwards.
Since the beginning of this year, I have had serene moments of joy that have broken through the clouds. I have been blessed in incredible ways, both big and small, but perhaps one of the greatest blessings was meeting a gay couple and visiting their house near Chicago a few weeks back. Through a friend, I got to know this couple, eventually going to their home for dinner (and one of the best I have had in months!). Meeting two loving, affirming, gay men, average men, was a tremendous blessing. Seeing how beautifully the two have walked through trails and tribulations together brought me so much hope. Here were two men that have both grown up with strong Christian beliefs, traditions that condemned their feelings, repressed their hearts, and tore them down emotionally. Here were two loving people committed to each other, no interested in only sex, pleasure, or in finding the next fling. These were two average people, ones that had found resolution between their faith and their sexuality. They reminded me of God's tremendous provisions in each of our lives, and gave a human face to my hope that one can find peace between their faith and who they feel they are in their heart.
My journey over the past six months can be described perfectly by the analogy of a house. This summer, in August, I finally took that first hardest step. After years of fear, suffocating pain, and despair, I finally opened the door of my closet. Yet walking out of the closet I walked right into a house, a home of Wheaton and greater evangelicalism. The house was a safe place, yet here too the air became stifling. Through the windows of my house, I saw a world that was affirming to the gay Christian, but through the opaque windows of my house I saw only evil outside. Over the Christmas season, I came to realize that the windows of the house were greatly munipulating what I was seeing outside. Through the opaque glass, I was still seeing what the house of greater evangelical church and Wheaton wanted me to see, a world of decadence, promiscuity, and sinful extravagance. This year, 2012, I have began to take the next step, and open that front door and step outside beyond my house. This house, that closet, it has been all I have ever known. The world certainly is frightening, but I will never ever know what the world offers until I step outside. I am sick of seeing the gay community only through the tainted windows of my house, and I am ready to walk beyond, to open that front door, and truly trust Christ to lead me beyond the fortress that I have built.
I know Wheaton is but a moment. I know that college is but a fleeting part of life. The greatest encouragement to me is that Wheaton is really not all of life. This Wheaton house that I am stuck into isn't life forever. Let me reinforce this for anyone stuck into a situation, trapped in a cage, their closet, or a community of fear. Whatever your circumstances, they will not be this way forever. Life certainly does get better, and better in a way beyond what we could ever imagine. God's creation and plan is far beyond what we could ever foresee ourselves. My journey of coming out has brought new friends, experiences, and challenges to me that I could never have imagined. I have so many moments, so many times when the voices in my head tell me I am wrong, I am choosing the wrong path of life. Yet it is in these moments that I remind myself of this great truth. So what if I am wrong? If in the end of the day I am wrong about affirming my sexuality, who I am, do I automatically see myself damned? The God that I worship is not that kind of a God. I have realized in this last month, that even if I am wrong, these past six months would never be traded for anything. I have learned so much about a minority group within the church, I have been challenged about how I love others, I have been encouraged through hearing the stories of so many people broken, then redeemed as they found Christ through their struggles through sexuality. No, my God is a awesome God. He loves me no matter where my journey takes me. The road will be long, and is certainly hard. I will fall, but I will fall so that I can pick myself up. Indeed, this life I live, the life we each live, is not about the end goal, the final prize. Until I really open that door to the world beyond my Wheaton upbringing, I will never know what lies beyond, I will never be willing to step out of the safety of my fortress and really follow God down this journey. To me, this challenge is the beautiful part of life. It is here that life become more then just the end goal, but a journey, one that is our ultimate destination.

A Legacy Remembered

Sometimes it seems hard to look beyond the legend that has become Dr. King. Today, he is a national icon, appearing on t-shirts, books, stamps, and monuments.
Yet behind this legend I attempt to see a real man, a man who attempted to stand up to centuries worth of oppression, a man who took the courage to say to those around him that all men were indeed created in equality, in the image of God, their Creator, and were thus men and women worthy of respect.
Dr. King challenged the status quo. He was unwilling to accept the Bible and the Christian faith as a method of repression, as a tool for enforcing "separate but equal."
As you can imagine, Dr. King has always been a hero of mine. Yet on this MLK day, I have really tried to look beyond the simplistic understandings of a man cloaked in legend, to the true man, a man tested and tried; a father, a brother, a son.
It is people like Dr. King, like William Wilberforce, like Dietrich Bonhoeffer, like Oscar Romero, these individuals who stood up to the common status of "Christianity" in there days, men and women who were willing to ask the question "could we be missing all of the picture that Jesus paints for us?" As I step into a Christian world divided by anger and fear, I praise God for the heroes that have gone before me. Unlike Dr. King and those other men and women that fought for equal civil rights for African Americans, I do not have to fear being lynched or killed because of the color of my skin. Compared to these individuals, my life and journey is so easy.
Yet there are still difficulties, there still remains a long journey ahead in this fight for equality, not only within our society, but also within our churches. I yearn for the day when the era of "don't ask, don't tell" in our pews is history. But for now, I look to those before me, those like Dr. King who said no to status quo, no to injustice, and no to the repression and subjugation of a group of people. Thank you Dr. King for the hope that you bring me.

"I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word in reality. This is why right, temporarily defeated, is stronger than evil triumphant."
~Martin Luther King Jr.

Voices...

I just returned from spending a night saying goodbye to a dear friend who is studying abroad this semester. This friend means so much to me as she is one of the first people I came out to about five months ago. While at the party I caught up with another friend who sat and listened to me vent about my frustrations for over an hour.
These are true friends, of that I am sure!
I sat in her arms, sick to my stomach as I spilled the internal conflicts, fears, and phobias of my heart, the inner turmoils that follow me during my days and haunt me at night.
Yet it was through that moment of vulnerability with my friend that I realized so many good truths that I feel I just need to reinstate, if not for others then at least myself.
Please bear with me. I have not created some formal outline and charted these out, yet this is my attempt to write out some words that I need to hear myself say.
Stepping back into Wheaton was probably the hardest thing I have done since coming out. I am at an emotional tipping point. This past month has seen the holidays (never an easy time for anyone), as well as finals, a rather stressful vacation, and the emotional breakdown and institutionalization of one of my other best friends. I have been tugged, tied, torn, and beaten emotionally to my limit, beginning back at Wheaton was not something I knew would bring delight and serenity. Being back on campus has really drawn me down. The realization of how alone I feel, how isolated, how "other" I really am has become an ever present enigma of shame and really just deep depression. The hurt felt by my faith, the church, my school, even my family. Wheaton will never apologize for what it has done and is going to do. I have so many there that throw wretched words around me without realizing that there is one of those that sits among them. The sly comments, hurtful gestures, and overall culture-of-silence is really deafening.
Then there is my own heart. My inner voices that still call me "pervert," "fag," a "sinner." Voices that tell me that I am unworthy of love, that I am a wretched individual, and call me to live in fear. Those paralyzing voices that shake any sense of peace or foundation from me, and push me back into the closet, or worse, into a new state of self hatred and manipulation.
The conflicts that rage internally and externally seem to rage, downing out any sense of a peace once found in being true to myself when I first came out five months ago. The political conflicts of the issue (watch any Republican debate from the last six months and you will know there truly is a political conflict), the social and religious debates as well. All of which scream at the individual, gnashing out for attention ,hoping to envelope the person. Then there are the pressures, pressures to become someone's categorical queer, the pressure to "mold into the perfect Wheaton student," to be the best Christian, employee, father, and husband, all are such loud voices that seem to scream for attention. Is there no peace? No freedom from fear? No hope in the midst of chaos?

Yet, what my friends words drew to my heart was the honest realization that what I needed, what simply was the only thing that could help, was to just step back and breathe.
It begins with me. She reminded me of the power of looking at ourselves, truly looking at ourselves and realizing that we are beautifully made. I have long since, in the chaos of the voices, have forgotten to hear my own voice. I have let everyone else speak for me, I have become overwhelmed in a crowd of voices, crying out for my attention.
Finally, I have forgotten how to listen to that one voice, the True voice, the voice of God.
This is the voice that reminds me that I am watched over no matter what, the promising voice that tells me to love me for who I am, not what my school, family, friends, church, or society see me as.
Forgive my ramblings, but honestly there is little I find wholesome anymore. After five months, I have often found myself saying "now what?," "What do I do now?" And worse yet, I have felt that sometimes, in my darkest moments, that I was better off just suffocating away again in that closet. Yet I know it is in these moments, in the chaos of school, work, family, friends, life, that I must take a step back, and breathe. I need to take a moment and listen to those two voices that matter the most. My life is not easy, and it is not looking easier in some ways. I am fatigued, burdened, and depressed. Yet it is in these moments of struggle that I challenge myself, and my reader, to truly listen for that voice.
Trust me, it is there, just listen.

Thank you to M, my good friend, who sits for two hours and listens to me. God know who we need in our lives. I love you! <3

Return

Hello everyone,

Due to a number of reasons (of which includes finals), I had to take the blog down for a bit. Now that both classes and the holiday season is over, I felt it was appropriate to get the blog rolling again. Thank you for both your patience and understanding.

Once again, I would like to remind everyone that the blog is meant to be both a blog, but also a dialogue. Trying to figure out how one fits into the stratified version of gender and sexuality, especially from a fundamental Christian background can be quite a challenge. I appreciate the wisdom and thoughts of others, so please comment if you feel inclined. Thank you again, and happy holiday season!

Oh, and if you are in Wheaton, enjoy the 15 degree weather...by that I mean find a fireplace, some chai tea, a good book, and try to forget the cold! :)

You are never alone

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tRXjqpfOnS0

This video broke my spirits tonight.
There is so much darkness in this world, so much injustice, so little love.
There is so much to say now, yet both fatigue and exhaustion set in. Finals are near upon us, and I chose to spend the last four hours reading an article that I found to be a wonderful blessing.
I will post that later and add comments, but for now, I just want to say that you are never alone.
To my friends, my family, to all those children and adults out there that struggle, that feel the pangs of loneliness, know this...
You are never ever ever alone. Seek out the love of those around you, seek out the friends, family, even the online blogger that you can talk too.
I don't want to see anymore Jonah's. I don't want to see anymore Steven's.
There are so many times in life when hope seems far, but I ask you, nay beg you to never forget your loving Savior who chose that Cross for you. Never forget that love begins at that Cross, and that Christ is there no matter what. Seek Him, speak to Him, know that He is, was, and always will be listening. This is the Jesus I chose to trust my life with. This is the LORD my God.

Remembering

Earlier this semester I was sitting in my Third World Issues class, when my teacher put in a film called "Living With Slim: HIV/AIDS in Africa."
(Please watch the trailer here http://www.imdb.com/video/wab/vi761922585/ )
I immediately geared up for another gut wrenching film, preparing myself to hear a message of how guilty I was for not helping those struggling to survive while I lived a life of affluent luxury.
I was in for a surprise.
Half way through the film, one of the young girls interviewed began to weep, telling her story of silence and shame. She told of how she has told no one of her being HIV positive, because of the stigma, the shame, and the open abuse that she faces. She begged her community, through broken sobs, to look at her as a human, for she was born HIV positive. She had no choice in the matter, but because of the stigma, the shame, and the fear, she was forced into a closet of silence.
That day in my Third World Issues class, I wept.
HIV/AIDS became real to me that day. As I watched the documentary, the horror of that closet of silence placed on this girl hit me in a whole new understanding. I realized that my own journey paralleled her story as well. I never chose my sexuality. I had no choice, but because of the fear, the hatred, and the stigma of my community, I hid. Like the African girl in the film, I hid. As I watched her tears, my eyes flushed as well. The horror of that closet of AIDS became real to me that day.
Fighting HIV/AIDS has deep held meaning for many in the gay community. As I reflect on the horrors of the disease on this International AIDS day, I am broken by the scars that AIDS has left. I am hurt as I look into the past, at the way the church reacted as a whole, blaming those that had the disease as "lifestyle choices," or even a "curse" to root out those that in their minds were God's unlovables. I am saddened by the misunderstandings surronding this horrid disease, where friends and families throw out their positive family members just because of their own fears. I am angry to see the images of orphans, left alone as the disease slowly killed off all that was left of their family.
Are we not called to love? It is only God who judges, we are called to love. For myself anyway, allow me to quote John 8:7. "They kept demanding an answer, so he stood up again and said, "All right, but let the one who has never sinned throw the first stone!"
On this day, let us take a moment to pray for this world. Let us ask God to forgive us of our immobility in dealing with the AIDS crises. There are modern lepers around us, lepers who life the documentary remind us never chose this path, never chose their predicament, yet are forced into the closet of shame out of fear. Let us be the generation that is remembered for our love, especially to those with HIV/AIDS. Let us be a generation of lovers, eager to put down our stones and love those that God has called us too.

The Power of Labels

I remember discussing back in my Intro to Sociology class the power of labels. My professor deemed the term "labeling theory," a sociological construct created in the mid 60's to understand the role of the label in crafting an individual. The power of a label can be seen across society. In the African American community, the effects of three hundred years of institutionalized slavery can still be seen, as centuries of being told one is subhuman, an animal, and not on equal par based on skin tone haunt even today.
As I had dinner with a good friend this evening, we began discussing the power of the label in society today. Americans love boxes. When we vote, we pick Republican or Democrat, we label as black or white, male or female, conservative or liberal, and the list goes on. We love to simplify people, to make individuals one-dimensional, easy to categorize, and to fit into our sociological boxes of perception. I find however, more and more, most of life is not so black and white, but dimensions of gray. My friend and I discussed sexuality, and the boxes we feel as we are forced to decide-gay, straight, or the oh so undecided bi-sexual category.
Since "coming out" around four months ago, I have felt increasing pressure to label, to choose, to pick. Am I really gay? What if I am gay with straight tendencies? I mean, I have certainly seen some good looking women. But then what if I am straight with gay tendencies? What if I am bi-sexual? I mean, is it only who I want to share a bed with that determines my orientation? Who decides what is gay, straight, asexual, pansexual, bisexual?
The list goes on. The questions keep ringing. The great irony for me is that, as a Christian, I ultimately find my identity squarely in Christ. My society calls me to choose, to limit myself, to be like them and force myself into their box. Yet do I ask my straight friends to define for me their level of sexuality? The hypocrisy goes on, but it seems that those that "deviate from the norm" must be forced to defend their differences, to fall on one side of the fence, or the other.
I am Christ's child. I am me. I am not your box, I am not your token gay, your stereotype, your boxed in version of reality. I am me, and I find my identity in my Savior.
The label is unfair, biased, and not an accurate reflection of reality. I say that it is time to retire the label and respect the uniqueness of individuals as God's creation. For now, the greatest way to fight is to be knowledgeable of such things. Ask yourselves if you too are a victim of the label, in the way you view others, allow yourself to be viewed, and how you view yourself.
Let us put aside the label and take on the chains of slavery for Christ, our ultimate giver of identity. Amen.

Hope?

The news is rather devastating.
Last evening I stopped to check my email. I saw that the Chaplain's Office of Wheaton College had sent a urgent message. I clicked on the email only to discover that a Wheaton student, as well as her younger sister, father, and friend, had been killed Saturday morning in a tragic plane accident not far outside of Wheaton. My heart sunk. The girl, Ramie Harris, had been in my Spanish class last year. I knew her, talked to her, laughed with her, and spoke terrible conversations of broken Spanish (with mostly English) to her. But she was dead. I could not even begin to fathom.
I have struggled with hope throughout much of my life. Having a brother crippled at birth, and watching God take my beautiful aunt to the horrors of cancer have often left me questioning God's goodness at times. In my own journey, prayers for years remained unanswered by God, as if He was turning a blind ear to my sorrow, "but God, why don't you heal me, don't you want me to be straight?"
Hope. It is a beautiful word. But it is one that often becomes bastardized for the point of selling cute plaques and bumper stickers. I am sick of worldly hope. Christ calls us to fully trust Him, He wants nothing more then everything. Yet how can I give such things, how can I hope? I wrestle as reason, the heart, and my fear all battle to take control of a feeble being, as I am tugged between doubts, anger, worry, fear, yet joy, peace, and comfort. Can anyone relate?
I pray for hope for the Harris family. They have lost three beautiful members of their family. To the world, there is no hope here, yet to God, this is a step in the journey. No, this is no essential utilitarian God ushering another painful step towards some utopia built on utility. I cannot believe in a God like that. There is pain, yet there is hope. I wrestle constantly with finding hope in my future. As the tightrope seems to constantly thin to a single strand, I struggle to ask God my role as a gay Christian in the Church, in the world, in the gay community, and for now, at Wheaton College. And what of my future? Will I ever know love? Can I find peace between my sexuality and faith? Will God provide me with community, with family, with a future? There is so little hope in this world, and when I look I see bleakness. But as I gaze at the cross hanging above my desk, I see the ultimate irony of hope. In that exact moment of true suffering, or total destruction, when all hope seemed lost, Christ broke through our own human brokenness, taking on the hopeless state of humanity. Let us never forget the hope of that Cross, the redemption in the blood. Though I have no idea God's plan for the Harris family, for Wheaton, or my own journey through my sexuality, I do know God is in control, and His hope and love will endure forever.
Please keep the Harris family in your prayers.

A short word of introduction

There I was, so many years back. Red backpack in hand, ready for the first day of Kindergarten.
Being from the Midwest, I was raised into a time honored tradition of Americana. My neighborhoods were mostly white, comprised of conservative, evangelical folks, simple people in a moderately simple place. I knew no struggles in life. Food was on the table, mother and father were employed, and I was a perfect little school boy, donned with a red backpack.

Life certainly is a journey. God promises us that He knows the plans for each and every one of us. I could not tell you how many times I have wrestled with that promise. When I really get down to it, how can a God who is so omnipotent, really, honestly care about me? This is not some form of self-hatred revealed in theological speech, this is a conundrum that each individual must wrestle through.

God created me for a purpose, as He did each individual. Of that I am certain. I did not know such things at the time, but even then, as I stood before my townhouse, gazing into my mostly WASP neighborhood, I have come to realize that God's hand was, and is, and will always be on my life.

This is not a blog of a political activist, though activism of a political nature will be discussed here certainly. This is not a website poised at praising one idealism, promoting a basecamp, encapsulating a message. These words posted are meditations, thoughts, journal entries that desire a return of dialogue. I find in this recent journey more and more the need to express not one position in this great debate, but to constantly build connections, rooted in the Cross of Christ, and cemented in honest, raw, emotional humility. Let God guide the words and messages of these web pages.
Amen.