Voices...

I just returned from spending a night saying goodbye to a dear friend who is studying abroad this semester. This friend means so much to me as she is one of the first people I came out to about five months ago. While at the party I caught up with another friend who sat and listened to me vent about my frustrations for over an hour.
These are true friends, of that I am sure!
I sat in her arms, sick to my stomach as I spilled the internal conflicts, fears, and phobias of my heart, the inner turmoils that follow me during my days and haunt me at night.
Yet it was through that moment of vulnerability with my friend that I realized so many good truths that I feel I just need to reinstate, if not for others then at least myself.
Please bear with me. I have not created some formal outline and charted these out, yet this is my attempt to write out some words that I need to hear myself say.
Stepping back into Wheaton was probably the hardest thing I have done since coming out. I am at an emotional tipping point. This past month has seen the holidays (never an easy time for anyone), as well as finals, a rather stressful vacation, and the emotional breakdown and institutionalization of one of my other best friends. I have been tugged, tied, torn, and beaten emotionally to my limit, beginning back at Wheaton was not something I knew would bring delight and serenity. Being back on campus has really drawn me down. The realization of how alone I feel, how isolated, how "other" I really am has become an ever present enigma of shame and really just deep depression. The hurt felt by my faith, the church, my school, even my family. Wheaton will never apologize for what it has done and is going to do. I have so many there that throw wretched words around me without realizing that there is one of those that sits among them. The sly comments, hurtful gestures, and overall culture-of-silence is really deafening.
Then there is my own heart. My inner voices that still call me "pervert," "fag," a "sinner." Voices that tell me that I am unworthy of love, that I am a wretched individual, and call me to live in fear. Those paralyzing voices that shake any sense of peace or foundation from me, and push me back into the closet, or worse, into a new state of self hatred and manipulation.
The conflicts that rage internally and externally seem to rage, downing out any sense of a peace once found in being true to myself when I first came out five months ago. The political conflicts of the issue (watch any Republican debate from the last six months and you will know there truly is a political conflict), the social and religious debates as well. All of which scream at the individual, gnashing out for attention ,hoping to envelope the person. Then there are the pressures, pressures to become someone's categorical queer, the pressure to "mold into the perfect Wheaton student," to be the best Christian, employee, father, and husband, all are such loud voices that seem to scream for attention. Is there no peace? No freedom from fear? No hope in the midst of chaos?

Yet, what my friends words drew to my heart was the honest realization that what I needed, what simply was the only thing that could help, was to just step back and breathe.
It begins with me. She reminded me of the power of looking at ourselves, truly looking at ourselves and realizing that we are beautifully made. I have long since, in the chaos of the voices, have forgotten to hear my own voice. I have let everyone else speak for me, I have become overwhelmed in a crowd of voices, crying out for my attention.
Finally, I have forgotten how to listen to that one voice, the True voice, the voice of God.
This is the voice that reminds me that I am watched over no matter what, the promising voice that tells me to love me for who I am, not what my school, family, friends, church, or society see me as.
Forgive my ramblings, but honestly there is little I find wholesome anymore. After five months, I have often found myself saying "now what?," "What do I do now?" And worse yet, I have felt that sometimes, in my darkest moments, that I was better off just suffocating away again in that closet. Yet I know it is in these moments, in the chaos of school, work, family, friends, life, that I must take a step back, and breathe. I need to take a moment and listen to those two voices that matter the most. My life is not easy, and it is not looking easier in some ways. I am fatigued, burdened, and depressed. Yet it is in these moments of struggle that I challenge myself, and my reader, to truly listen for that voice.
Trust me, it is there, just listen.

Thank you to M, my good friend, who sits for two hours and listens to me. God know who we need in our lives. I love you! <3